A few months ago I felt like my spiritual practice was scattered and inconsistent. I would commit myself to one Kundalini meditation or kriya (sequence of physical exercises) only to discontinue it after seven days and move on to the next one. Over and over again this happened. I told myself I was searching for the "right" practice, but I was actually restless, not fully trusting that any of the yogic teachings were "right." In some sense, I was on to something.
There is no perfect meditation or yoga practice which is the end all be all of spiritual practices, there is nothing that can save or heal you without the acknowledgement and taking responsibility for your own Self.
After all, any practices we do are simply containers or ("permission slips", as Bashar calls them,) for us to experience our own consciousness and more of who we truly are.
During this time I had two enlightening conversations, and as usual, both individuals guided me back to what my own consciousness already knew, and what it was telling me.
The first conversation with my friend Guen went something like this:
Me: "I know I would be feeling so much better, happier, and brighter if I was doing a consistent daily practice, and fully surrendering to its results. I feel like I should be doing it, but at the same time I am also exploring other aspects of my spiritual connection."
Guen: "Maybe its just not the right time for you to be doing this, maybe you really are just supposed to be doing what you are right now."
Later, I came to the spontaneous realization that this "perfect yogi" self had so much compassion for my "not perfect yogi self" and my "perfect yogi self" could talk to me right then and there, she would be saying that everything is totally perfect, I am loved and to take my time figuring out how I want to connect inward."
This realization of talking to the "master" in my head guided me to drop the judgement and with it my resistance and excuses. I started showing up a little more.
Flash forward to more recently, when I met a beautiful Sivananda yogi who in our very first meeting, after we had exchanged no more than a few short words, looked at me with clear eyes and said:
"Anja, listen to yourself, have compassion for yourself, there is a reason you are where you are right now. Do your Sadhana. Don't do it for me, don't do it for your relationships, do it for yourself. Get to the point where you exclaim 'wow, thank you God this is amazing!' and just keep going. Nature and time will bend to serve you, don't attach to these amazing outcomes, just keep saying 'wow! Thank you!'. Let go of the past, let love guide you now. Stop waiting for a miracle to come heal and save you. You are the miracle."
I went home and rediscovered the joy of doing the consistent work of bringing my own soul to meet a pattern of breath and posture, every day, again and again. And during the process I've dropped the judgement, the good, the bad, the should and the shouldn't.
I've thought of the words, 'your teaching is only as deep as your practice,' and while I usually apply these to yoga and meditation they also apply to life, to all the ways we are learning and exploring our own consciousness in the world. When you teach, heal, write or mentor clients or friends, remember to take responsibility for and honor your life practice. Share willingly the strength and grace you have learned from just living breath by breath in a crazy world.
If you take anything away from this post let it be this. Trust yourself, because you know where and who and how you are meant to be in this world. You are endlessly supported, and there are so many channels of help just waiting to guide you back home. If you are feeling the call for support in moving back towards what is important in your life or health practice, don't hesitate to reach out.
I've got your back. (And the universe does too.)